21092010 Quotes, sayings, whatever about 522 of them * 43% of all statistics are worthless * 640K ought to be enough for anybody - Bill Gates * 668: The Neighbor of the Beast * A best-seller is the gilded tomb of a mediocre talent - Logan Pearsall * A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor - African proverb * A camel is a horse designed by a committee * A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark - Chinese Proverb * A clever man commits no minor blunders - Goethe * A clever person is not someone that knows everything, but knows where to get the information - Anon * A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood - Chinese proverb * A dog wags its tail with its heart. - Martin Buxbaum * A drink precedes a story - Irish Proverb * A drowning man is not troubled by rain - Persian Proverb * A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak served with an argument - The Bible * A face without freckles is like a sky without stars * A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks beside you in the shadows * A friend to all is a friend to none. * A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship - John D. Rockefeller * A judge is a law student who marks their own examination papers - H.L. Mencken * A laugh is a smile that burst - Mary H. Waldrip * A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on - French Proverb * A man of words and not deeds, Is like a garden full of weeds * A narcissist is someone better looking than you are - Gore Vidal * A penny saved is a government oversight * A poem is never finished, only abandoned - Paul Valery * A rumor goes in one ear and out many mouths. - Chinese proverb * A sign some people should have "DO NOT DISTURB, I'm disturbed enough" * A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell * A tidy workshop is a happy workshop * A tree is known by the fruit it bears, so are people. * A witty saying proves nothing - Voltaire * A young man after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands: "At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet." Churchill: "At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands * Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there * Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Bdoloy amzanig eh? * Action makes more fortunes than caution - Marquis de Vauvenargues * Advertising (is) the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it - Stephen Leacock * After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history * After the dentist took a tooth out (wisdom), the nurse said “Dont eat any food for a few hours, because your tongue will be numb and you will bite it.” * Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something. Henry David Thoreau * Alcohol preserves everything but not dignity * Alimony: funds which allow a woman who lived unhappily married to live happily unmarried * All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher - Ambrose Bierce * All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire. - Aristotle * All of us are in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars - Oscar Wilde * Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it * Always do one thing less than you think you can do - Bernard Baruch * Always work with the end results in mind - Rita Davenport * America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between - Oscar Wilde * An enemy will agree, but a friend will argue. - Russian Proverb * An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it * An inch of gold will not buy an inch of time - Chinese Proverb * An optimist believes we live in the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears this is true. * Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic - Arthur C. Clarke * Architecture is frozen music - Goethe * Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours - Richard Bach * As I sat in the midst of gloom and despair, I heard a voice, as if from Heaven, saying unto me, "Cheer up, things could get worse." So I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse. * As you slide the bannister of life may the splinters be pointing the right way. * Attention to health is lifes greatest hindrance - Plato * Bacteria: the only culture some people have * Bad spellers of the world untie. * Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Chinese Proverb * BE ALERT! ...The world needs more lerts. * Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to... But be respected, that is essential - Anna Gould * Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down - Jimmy Durante * Be strong and courageous, and do the work - 1 Chronicles 28:20 * Be wiser than other people if you can - but do not tell them so - Lord Chesterfield * Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language for no reason at all. But thanks to this job, I now have a reason. * Begin difficult things while they are easy, Do great things when they are small, the difficult and great things must once been small ... A thousand mile journey begins with one step. Loa Tse * Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting - Karl Wallenda * Being powerful is like being a lady, if you have to tell people you are, you arent - Margaret Thatcher * Believe in fate, but lean forward where fate can see you - Quentin Crisp * Beware of those who talk about others behind their backs, they will go behind your back and talk about you * Beware of what you become in pursuit of what you want * Bicycles are almost as good as guitars for meeting girls - Bob Weir * Black as hell, strong as death, sweet as love. (About coffee) - Turkish proverb * Black holes are where God divided by zero - Steven Wright * But the lies we live will always be confessed in the stories that we tell - Orson Scott Card * By letting go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. - Tao Te Ching * By the way: Don't misuse apostrophes - SPREAD THE WORD! * Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organized * Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love * Comments below a sign “Do not use wet paint”, ever tried using dry paint. * Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. * Crowded elevator smell different to midget. Chinese Proverb * Cute office sign says: The object of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for those problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when we are called upon... however, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp! * Daylight saving, not sure about the clock adjustment, we look FORWARDS to summer, but we must go BACK for winter. * Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I often don't know what I'm doing. * Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Freedom without discipline is chaos - Cullen Hightower * Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice - Anon * Do for others with no desire of returned favor. We all should plant some trees we'll never sit under * Do harden drunks keep their methylated spirits in the fridge? * Do not wait for extraordinary circumstances to do good; try using ordinary situations - Jean Paul Richter * Do one thing at time, with supreme excellence - NASA proverb * Do, or do not. There is no 'try' - Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back) * Dogs have owners, Cats have staff * Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you * Don't be afraid of opposition; Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind * Don't be so humble - you are not that great - Golda Meir * Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something - Last words of Pancho Villa * Don't seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought - Basho * Don't serve time, make time serve you - Willie Sutton * Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed - George Burns * Don't think there are no crocodiles just because the water is calm * Dont expect to feel the fire until you throw on some logs * Dont fix the blame, fix the problem - Anon * Due to financial problems, the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut down until further notice. * Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious. * Efficiency is intelligent laziness - David Dunham * Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me - Ambrose Bierce * Entertaining a bad thought is like trying to slide half way down - Anon * Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is a balanced diet. * Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? * Every man I meet is in some way my superior - Ralph Waldo Emerson * Every man over forty is a scoundrel - George Bernard Shaw * Every problem contains the seeds of its own solution - Stanley Arnold * Every thought is a seed. If you plant Crab apples don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious * Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited * Everyone has enough weeding to do in their own garden * Everything passes, everything wears out, everything breaks. (tout passe, tout lasse, tout casse) * Expect what you Inspect, not what you Expect! - Print Designer * Fact is stranger than fiction * Failing to plan means planning to fail * Failure is the only opportunity to begin more intelligently - Henry Ford * Fear is never a reason for quitting: it is only an excuse - Norman Vincent Peale * Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them. - Robert Greene Ingersoll * Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run - Rudyard Kipling * Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never - Charles Caleb Colton * From a thorn comes a rose, and from a rose comes a thorn * GIVE ME A BREAK! * Give me a museum and I'll fill it - Pablo Picasso * Give me chastity and continence, but not yet - Saint Augustine * Give someone a Road Code for a gift, it could save your life. * Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever - Napoleon Bonaparte * God doesn't discriminate ... only religions do * God gave us time so that everything wouldn't happen all at once * God gives us faces, we create our own expressions * Good is the enemy of Great - Anon * Good judgment comes from bad experience which comes from bad judgment! * Goodness is the only investment that never fails. - Thoreau * Great men may die, but their ideas won't - Kelly Nelson * Great people are just ordinary people with great desire - Anon * Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together. Vincent Van Gogh * Guests and fish start to stink after two days. - (Spanish Proverb) * Guilt has very quick ears to an accusation - Fielding * Happiness is good health and a bad memory - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982) * Hard work doesn't guarantee success, but improves its chances. - B.J. Gupta * Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Charlie McCarthy * Hating someone is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat * Have less, Do less. Be more - Aboodi Shaby * He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln * He tricked me into marrying him, He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer * He who gets close to a good tree, will have a good shade * He who hesitates is probably right * He who hesitates is screwed - steves dad * He who rows the boat is too busy to rock it. * His ignorance is encyclopedic - Abba Eban * How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on * How nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. * Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe - H. G. Wells * I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together - John Lennon * I am not young enough to know everything. - James M. Barrie * I can resist anything but temptation. * I can understand how God made the universe in six days, If two people were involved it still would not be finished * I dont drink beer I always keep my shirt on * I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top * I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves - Ludwig Wittgenstein * I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job - Roseanne * I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have - Thomas Jefferson * I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work - Thomas Alva Edison * I have often regretted my speech, never my silence - Xenocrate * I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words. * I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. - Dr. Seuss * I must keep aiming higher and higher, even though I know how silly it is - Aristotle Onassis * I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. * I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television - Gore Vidal * I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow - Woodrow Wilson (US President) * I plan on living forever. So far, so good. * I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them - Ian L. Fleming * I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy. - Joseph Heller * I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead * I used to be indecisive, now I am not too sure. * I went to a auction once and all I got a parking tick (Sorry I had to put in this joke, it was no joke at time) * I worship the quicksand he walks in - Art Buchwald * I'll sleep when I'm dead - Warren Zevon * I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy - Ernest Hemingway * I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on - Roseanne * I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial - Irvin S. Cobb * I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. * I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life - anonymous * I've to say NO to the good so I can say YES to the best * I’m in shape. Rounds a shape, isn’t it? * I’ve discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well. * If at first you dont succeed, Call it Version 1.0. * If at first you dont succeed, try a different method. * If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough - Mario Andretti * If heaven drops a date, open your mouth - Chinese proverb * If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln * If I were younger, I'd know more - James Barrie * If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? * If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. * If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all * If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan? * If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers * If the shoe fits, buy it - Imelda Marcos * If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams * If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning - Aristotle Onassis * If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. * If you are going through hell, keep going - Sir Winston Churchill * If you believe everything you read, don't read - Chinese proverb * If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars - J. Paul Getty * If you can laugh when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you can't convince them, confuse them - Harry S. Truman * If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all - Mother * If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side - Anonymous * If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning - Catherine Aird * If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere - Henry Kissinger * If you dont believe it's a great day, just try missing one - Zig Ziglar * If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you - Friedrich Nietzsche * If you have to ask, you can't afford it! - J. Pierpont Morgan * If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me - Alice Roosevelt Longworth * If you judge people, you will have no time to love them * If you meet someone without a smile give them one of yours - Anon * If you want a good job look for things you can get into not get out of * If you've never known fear you've never known bravery * If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no brain - Sir Winston Churchill * If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise - Unknown * Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. - Euripides * Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools - Napoleon * In dog years, I'm dead - Unknown * In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty * In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." - Benjamin Franklin * Indecision is the key to flexibility. * Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? * It is amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away - Michael Arlen * It is bad luck to be superstitious * It is in self-limitation that a master first shows himself - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe * It is much easier to be critical than to be correct - Benjamin Disraeli * It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are - Clive James * It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Chinese Proverb * It's a tough road to the top but the view is excellent * It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. * It's easy to explain simple things so they seem to be complex... to explain complex things so they seem easy - that's the real challenge! * It's kind of fun to do the impossible - Walt Disney * It's not speed that kills, it's the sudden absence of it. * It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog - Mark Twain * Keep your head and your heart in the right direction and you will not have to worry about your feet * Knowing is not enough, We must Apply. Willing is not enough. We must Do. - Goethe * Knowledge is power - Francis Bacon * Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers - Alfred Lord Tennyson * Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens - Jimi Hendrix * Language is the dress of thought - Johnson * Laughter is medicine for the soul. * Lazy Susans are named after Thomas Edison's daughter. He invented it to impress a gathering of industrialists and inventors - Useless fact for the day! * Life can be a grind, use it to sharpen your character. * life is as busy as you choose to make it. * life is not finding yourself, life is about creating yourself. * Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. * Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first! * Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. - Ferris Bueller's Day Off. * Life starts when you stop talking and start acting. * Live your own life, for you will die your own death - Latin proverb * Logic is in the eye of the logician - Gloria Steinem * Logic is the anatomy of thought - Locke * Looking for a helping hand? There’s one on your arm. * Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change those things I an, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off. * Love is friendship set on fire - Jeremy Taylor * Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. * Love is like dew that falls on both nettles and lilies * Love will not debate who goes first, fear will * Man with one chopstick go hungry. Chinese Proverb * Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Chinese Proverb * Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Chinese Proverb * Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. Chinese Proverb * Man who run behind car get exhausted. Chinese Proverb * Man who run in front of car get tyred. Chinese Proverb * Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Chinese Proverb * Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Chinese Proverb * Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Chinese Proverb * May your joys be a deep as the ocean, your sorrows as light as its foam - Anon * Maybe this world is another planet's Hell - Aldous Huxley * Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved! * Microsoft message: Keyboard error or no keyboard present; Press F1 to continue, DEL to enter setup. * Money can buy everything except the things we want and need the most - G I Robertson * Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo - H. G. Wells (1866-1946) * Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us * My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me - Henry Ford * Necessity is the mother of invention - - Anon. * Need some time to be alone, try washing the dishes! * Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic * Never confuse having a career with having a life * Never fall out with your bread and butter * Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby * Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake - Napoleon Bonaparte * Never mistake motion for action - Ernest Hemingway * Never mistake motion with action - Albert Einstein * Never rub your eyes after eating Salty Pringles * Never seek the wind in the field. It is useless to try and find what is gone. - Polish proverb * Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity - General George S. Patton, Jr * Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger * No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail * No bees, no honey; no work, no money. * No man ever injured his eyesight by looking on the bright side of things * No man fails who does his best - Orison Swett Marden * No man is completely useless, he can always be used as a horrible example * No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow * No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. * No matter where you go, there you are - Buckaroo Banzai * No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley * No one ever hurt their eyesight by looking at the bright side of life - Anon * No one has ever gone blind from looking at the bright side of life - Anon * No sense being pessimistic - It wouldn't work anyway * Nobody is defeated until they start blaming somebody else - Anon * None so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm - Henry David Thoreau * Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday - - Woody Allen * Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely - Rodin * Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is - unknown * Nothing seems to bring on an emergency as quickly as putting money aside in case of one * Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goals - Anon * Once over the hill, you pick up speed * Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth - Sherlock Holmes * One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to other * One thing you can't recycle is wasted time - Anon * Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly - Robert F Kennedy * Opportunities are often disguised by hard work, so most people dont see them * Opportunity - In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity - Albert Einstein * Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? * Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. Chinese Proverb * People think I am a mushroom, they keep me in the dark and feed me sh't * People need love most when they are most unloved * People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes * Please dont talk to my breasts you wont be meeting them * POETS day, Push Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday. * Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. * Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything - George Bernard Shaw * Proportion your expenses to what you have, not what you expect * Put the Lord in the center and everything will come together. * Quality is presence of value and not absence of mistake * Rain does not fall on one roof alone * Reach for the moon. If you miss, you may fall on a star - Marvin the Martian * Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out * Reality can be beaten with enough imagination - Anon * Reality is for those who can't handle drugs! - Hunter S Thompson * Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. * Remember that failure is an event - not a person * Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing - Wernher Von Braun * S.O.U.L. - Singular Outflow of Universal Life! - Unknown * Sanity is a madness put to good uses - George Santayana * Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. * Save time ... see it my way * Set your goals high, but not out of sight. Unknown * Shared suffering brings people together faster than anything else does * Silence is argument carried out by other means - Ernesto"Che"Guevara * Silence is golden but shouting is fun - Anon * Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go - Oscar Wilde * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once * Some people are wise, some people are otherwise - Anon * Some people die at 25, and aren't buried until they are 75 - Benjamin Fraklin * Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep * Sometimes the faster you go, the longer it takes. * Sometimes you’re the bug, and sometimes you’re the windshield. * Sometimes when I ring my mother, she says "what are you doing?" I reply to her in a confused voice "I am talking to you on the phone" * Spread the table and contention will cease * Stupidity got us into this mess... why can't it get us out? * Success hinges on a passion for excellence - John F. Kennedy * Success is a journey not a destination - Ben Sweetland * Success is getting up one more time than you fall * Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same.” - Audrey Hepburn * Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have - Zig Ziglar * Take a risk, do something different * Talent does what it can; genius does what it must - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton * Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. * TEAM Together Everyone Achieves More * Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike * The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work - Emile Zola * The average person thinks he isn't - Father Larry Lorenzoni * The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy - Von Clausewitz * The best exercise for the heart is to lean over backwards for somebody else - Anonymous * The better the fruit, the more wasps to eat it * The covers of this book are too far apart - Ambrose Bierce * The cynics are right nine times out of ten - Henry Louis Mencken * The defining function of the artist is to cherish consciousness - Max Eastman * The difference between a rose and a weed is perception * The eyes believe themselves, the ears believe other people * The fastest way to find something you've lost is to replace it * The fellow who has no money is poor, the fellow who has nothing but money is poorer still * The first duty of love is to listen - Tillich * The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose - Hadia Bejar * The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well - H.T. Leslie * The gap between advice and help is very wide * The light at the end of the tunnel might be an oncoming train * The man that runs away. Lives to die another day - A.E. Housman * The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them - Mark Twain * The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work - Richard Bach * The most beautiful fig may contain a worm * The object of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for those problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when we are called upon... however, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp! * The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad - Salvador Dali * The optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing." The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a mess." * The person who loves always becomes enthusiastic - Norman Vincent Peale * The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous * The price of greatness is responsibility - Sir Winston Churchill * The quality of expectations determines the quality of our action - Anon * The quest for beauty is a quest for love * The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment * The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food * The same sun that melts butter hardens clay - Donald Meyer * The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it - Jackie Gleason * The secret of eternal youth is arrested development - Alice Roosevelt Longworth * The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age - Lucille Ball * The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows - Aristotle Onassis * The strong man is not the one who can show his anger but the one who can control his anger - Muhammad Ibn Abdullah * The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again * The trouble with the rat race, if you win you are still the rat * The truth is more important than the facts - Frank Lloyd Wright * The unity of man is based upon his infinite diversity - Vance Palmer * The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going - Anon * The world is a rose; smell it and pass it to your friends * There are no substitutes for fresh air, sunshine and exercise * There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it - Oscar Wilde * There are those who can live with problems and those who cant live without them - Anon * There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up John Andrew Holmes * There is only one boss: the customer. they can fire everybody, simply by spending their money somewhere else. - Anon * These new wonder drugs are so powerful that you have to be in perfect health to take them - Bob Hope * Things are more like they used to be than they are now. * Think about it, if male can not pee in toilet with seat down without getting pee on seat, then male bound to get pee on floor with seat up, use toilet paper to dry seat while practicing, keep woman happy have seat down - Anon Proverb * Think before you drink * This place was tidy until my flat mate came home. * Those who expect the best usually get what they expect - Anon * Those who laugh first often act without thinking - Anon * Those who say it cant be done will be passed by those doing it - Anon * Those who say nothing is impossible have never tried slamming a revolving door - Anon * Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. * Thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work. - Mark Twain * Tickle it with a hoe and it will laugh into a harvest * Time is a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician * Time is like money: you can either spend, waste, or invest! * To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge - Benjamin Disraeli * To blow and swallow at the same time is not easy - Plautus 254 - 184 B.C. * To do great work, a man must be very idle as well as very industrious - Samuel Butler * To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are - Sholem Asch * To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. - Garborg * To love someone who does not love you, is like shaking a tree to make the dew drops fall. * To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am - Bernard M. Baruch * To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence - J. Krishnamurti * To one who does not know, a small garden is a forest * To succeed you must be like a lawn mower, easy to start and hard to stop - Anon * To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation * Today gives us a chance to love, to work, to play and to look up at the stars - Henry Van Dyke * Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday - unknown * Tomorrow is the busiest day of the year * Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end - Igor Stravinsky * Transform the menial into the meaningful * Triumph is made of 2 words, Try and Umph! * TRUST ME!! * Try? Do or do not. There is no try - Yoda * Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you - Maori proverb * Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein * Unhappiness is the hunger to get, Happiness is the hunger to give - W.G.Jordan * Veni, Vedi, Visa - I came. I saw. I Did a Little Shopping. * Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower * Wagner's music is better than it sounds - Mark Twain * War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Chinese Proverb * We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know! * We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction - General Douglas MacArthur * We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails * We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change * We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles * We must not build the future for our youth. We must build our youth for the future. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt * We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth. * Well done is better than well said - Benjamin Franklin * What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. - Liz Carpenter * What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet - Woody Allen * What is right is often forgotten by what is convenient * What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly - Richard Bach * What you think you create, What you feel you attract, What you imagine you become - Adele Basheer * Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed * Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame - Benjamin Franklin * When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem - Edward Abbey * When ideas fail, words come in very handy - Goethe * When you are schizophrenic you are never alone * When you come to a fork in the road, take it - Yogi Berra * When you throw dirt, you lose ground - proverb * When your concentration reaches the ultimate point of sincerity, then there can be a transformation. - Hsuan Hua * Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego' - Friedrich Nietzsche * Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right - Henry Ford * While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about * Who gossips to you will gossip of you - Turkish proverb * Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - H. M. Warner * Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? * Why don't you write books people can read? - Nora Joyce to her husband James * Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? * Why is the word abbreviation so long? - anonymous * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? * Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Chinese Proverb * Winners never quit, quitters never win. - Mel * Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald - Irish proverb * Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise - Paul Engle * With malice toward none, with charity for all - Abraham Lincoln * Without risk there is no opportunity for gain * Woman was God's second mistake - Friedrich Nietzsche * Worry pulls tomorrow's cloud over today's sunshine * Worthless people rise to the top by pushing others down - Anon * Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been - Mark Twain * Write injuries in the sand, kindnesses in marble * You are no bigger than what it takes to upset you - Anon * You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. * You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven * You are what you think about all day long - Dr. Robert Schuller * You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it - Gilbert Keith Chesterton * You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips * You can't climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets * You can't do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late - Ralph Waldo Emerson * You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom * You can't possibly get where you're going until you know you're already there - Dr Tony Minervino * You don't get old, you just become a classic * You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you realized how seldom they do * Your either part of the problem or part of the solution * Youth is a wonderful thing, What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw * Zen is like looking for the spectacles that are sitting on your nose * Zest is the secret of all beauty. There is no beauty that is attractive without zest. - Christian Dior These Quotes & sayings can also be found on, (maybe with more added.) http://www.dubdubdub.net.nz/motley/humour.txt If you intend to print your own copy it might be best to save it as humour.txt on your computer, then print from that. To save on your computer, you could press the follow two keypad buttons simultaneously,, 1/ (Control + A), Ctrl + A, (Select all) 2/ (Control + C), Ctrl + C, (Copy) Go to you word processor program then, 3/ (Control + V), Ctrl + V (Paste) Then save the file as you normally do. I must go now and get a life.